Bad Idea
by LunarLacrimosa
Summary: All Miles had wanted to do was return Sam's phone to him, and maybe scare him a little. He hadn't planned on finding out that Sam's Camaro turned into a robot, especially not a robot that fucked said friend. Now he needs to be debriefed on the Autobots and Ratchet is sent to be his debriefer, and runs into his sister, Candy. Except Candy is a man. Uh-oh (Originally in Drabbles)
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **Originally in my collection of shorts _Drabbles_. Made a second chapter and decided to turn it into a story of it's own. Enjoy!

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**_Bad Idea_**

Miles was known for his bad ideas. It was one reason he and Sam were such good friends, both of them could be complete idiots, but Sam was great at talking himself out of any situation, and Miles could generally bullshit them out of any situation that Sam couldn't. That was why they were a team, why they worked _together_. His idea had been innocent enough, really. Sam had left his phone at Miles' house after he spent the night, and like any good friend the blonde had just wanted to return it. In the process he managed to beat Sam home and decided to wait in the garage, hidden back behind the garbage cans and recycling bin so he could scare the crap out of his friend when he pulled in.

Except he hadn't gotten the chance, because when Sam had drove in something was definitely up, if the way Sam wasn't paying attention at all and the fact that he wasn't wrecking even with his eyes closed and no apparent hands on the steering wheel was anything to go by. Perhaps, if Miles was inclined towards homosexual tendencies in regards to his friend, which he _wasn't_, he would have realized what exactly the look on Sam's face meant and tried to save himself a good deal of embarrassment right then and there.

Only he didn't, and as he shifted on the balls of his feet and got ready to stand up and check on his friend, a gut feeling told him to stay as still as possible, and Miles decided to follow it. Sam's car, however, did the exact opposite, parts shifting in all directions and expanding until it looked almost humanoid, minus the whole being a good bit bigger part, and that was when Miles realized that Sam wasn't wearing anything besides a shirt and, well, there was finding out that your best friend's Camaro turned into a giant robot, and then there was finding out your best friend's Camaro turned into a giant robot that then apparently fucked said best friend with these weird wires or tentacles or whatever the fuck they were.

It wasn't often he found himself needing to get out of a horrible situation that involved Sam, and quite frankly he wasn't entirely comprehending just yet what he was seeing. Miles' mind ground to a temporary halt because oh fuck no; this was wrong on so many levels that he really just had no idea what to do. The blonde closed his eyes tightly, but that didn't keep him from hearing the sounds. The teen realized three things very quickly: the robot could talk, Sam was _very_ receptive to said robot dirty talking, and that he was going to have to gouge out his eyes and go to the nearest firing range without ear protection if he had any hopes of clearing the memory out of his mind.

The blonde opened his eyes, trying to see how far it was to the door that could potentially get him out of this mess. It wasn't that far, really, except it was right in the open and Miles would have to leave his hiding spot if he wanted to reach it. The one thing he did know is that he would really hate to somehow make Sam realize that not only did Miles now know about his car being a robot, but about his car fucking him, too, at least in this situation. Maybe later, the next time Sam was over, Miles could casually bring it up, but not right now, not when his best friend was currently getting it on.

Miles spent the next two hours trying his best to pretend that his best friend wasn't having sex with a giant robot a few feet away from him and staying as still as he possibly could. Of course he had no way of silencing them, nor could he help it if he occasionally took a peek when it sounded like they were slowing down or Sam let out a particularly loud noise that could have been either 'oh God stop' or 'oh God don't stop'. He quickly found out a few other things that he really could have gone without realizing, like how Sam might have the teenage problem of getting off quickly but he rebounded just as fast, or that the robot's name was Bumblebee, and he especially never wanted to know what said giant robot or best friend sounded like as they orgasmed, but hey, life was unfair, and Miles was simply counting his blessings in that as awkward as it might be right now, he didn't have to talk to them, and at some point he could just slip away.

Another half hour later and he'd also found out that giant robot liked to cuddle with Sam, and that giant robot could make a blonde human looking guy and that said human looking guy could go at it with Sam as well. He almost felt like crying when Sam only went one round with the blonde human looking guy, who was still apparently Bumblebee and what the fuck, before saying he had to go in for dinner.

And just like that Miles' special little hell seemed to be over, blonde human looking thingy helping Sam get cleaned up and making sure that his best friend could stand without his legs turning into jelly, and thank God Sam was _dressed_ now. Giant robot shrunk back into Camaro, Sam and fake-human kissed, and then Sam went inside smoothing his hair down.

Unfortunately for Miles, he quickly realized that he was not out of the metaphorical frying pan just yet. Not only just because he now knew Sam's car was a robot that could communicate with Sam and would probably notice, but also because Sam had left the garage door open that led into the kitchen, and he could hear Judy asking Sam if Miles had returned his phone yet. The blonde regretted making a quick stop inside to snatch one of Judy's delicious cookies now because now Sam knew that Miles was somewhere probably hiding and waiting for him, which meant Sam would look for him.

Miles knew he was well and truly fucked now. It wouldn't take long for Sam to search his entire house, and his best friend would know him well enough to know that he would have said something to Judy if he was going and left his phone. But it was either get caught out by his best friend or by the robot called Bumblebee, and he was still debating that when Sam came back in the garage.

His best friend looked a little sick to the stomach, and Miles took what satisfaction he could from that before standing up, admittedly somewhat shakily as he'd been kneeling in the same position for almost three hours and holy hell were his legs full of pins and needles. Sam saw his movement, and for a minute the two just stood there and stared straight at each other.

"I-"

"No." Miles cut Sam off as quickly as he could, maneuvering his way out from behind the recycling bin.

"But-"

"No."

"I can explain-"

"Oh _fuck_ no."

"Miles, I'm sorry, this isn't how I wanted you to find out, bu-"

Miles held up a hand this time to cut him off, completely ignoring his best friend's pleading look. "One: I really don't want to hear anything right now. Two: I'm never riding in your car, robot, whatever the fuck he/she/it is again. Three: I'm going to go home and watch YouTube videos of cute kittens and pretend I haven't heard or seen any of this. Four: I'm going to avoid you for at least a week, maybe two, but hey man, congrats on the stamina."

Sam kept his mouth shut this time, just nodding dumbly, and Miles handed him his phone before quickly leaving the garage and pretending he didn't hear Sam talking to Bumblebee. He just wanted to go home, watch those cute kittens, maybe a few old favorite childhood movies, and cry. The Iron Giant would be forever ruined for him now.

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Sam was still sitting inside of Bumblebee in mortified silence, and the Scout couldn't help but feel some of that same mortification. He should have been paying better attention to his surroundings, but Judy and Ron had basically deemed the garage his and Sam's area unless they were taking out the trash or recyclables, and as it wasn't the day for either of those the Autobot had just gone about his business with his Charge.

Of all the ways for an organic to find out about his race, he mused, that definitely had to be one of the most interesting ones. The Scout gave his Charge five more minutes of self-hatred before he cleared his vocalizer.

"Sam," Bumblebee said tentatively, "I know this might not be the best time to mention it, but I had to report this to Optimus, Ratchet, and William. I didn't give any details, of course, but both corresponded with the other and agree that it's best Miles be debriefed as soon as possible."

"Oh, God…" Sam put his face in his hands and just lay back on Bumblebee's seats, "How soon is as soon as possible?"

"…Ratchet might almost be at his house now…"

"Fuck." Sam muttered, and Bumblebee wholeheartedly agreed.

As much as he didn't want to upset his Charge, he didn't want to not tell him and have Miles call Sam freaking out, either. It was a lose-lose situation, really, and Bumblebee sent Judy a quick text to tell her that Sam would not be making it to dinner. The least he could do for Miles was get to the teen's house as soon as possible, because as amazing as Ratchet was, he just wasn't that good with humans.

And Bumblebee might have just given Ratchet the details he'd skimped out on with Optimus and Will, because although Miles wasn't a participant Bumblebee's energy signature had still spiked all over the garage, which would mean the Medic would be able to pick it up on Miles a little bit and Sam a lot. He really didn't need Ratchet to explain to Miles that he'd been inadvertently marked as Bumblebee's. The Scout had still yet to explain that to _Sam_, for Primus' sake.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Second chapter, and this time Ratchet gets to suffer a bit. I mainly wanted to do something with one of the Autobots being horrible about understanding humans, so of course it's Ratchet. Enjoy, and review if you have any ideas for anymore bad ideas! :

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Bumblebee thanked Primus that he seemed to arrive at Miles' house just on time. He could just see Ratchet's holoform stepping out of the Medic's alt mode, and he parked himself directly behind the green ambulance. Sam, however, groaned in horror, and when Bumblebee questioned him on why the teen merely replied that Ratchet was still bad with humans and that Candy was there. The Scout took Candy to be the girl standing next to Miles, who appeared to be his older sister. It wasn't until he'd formed his own holoform and opened the driver's side door for Sam that he realized why Sam had been unhappy to see her.

"If you are a man, why are you masquerading as a woman?"

The question came from Ratchet, and Bumblebee didn't need to turn around to know how bad this was going to go because of the horrified look on Sam's face. While he knew that sometimes humans had various reasons for dressing as the opposite sex, he was fairly sure that Ratchet didn't, and Candy looked remarkably like a girl, which would lead the Scout to assume that she was one of those who wanted to be known as a girl, too. He'd not bothered to scan her, which was why he hadn't known her true gender, but Ratchet scanned _everyone_.

Bumblebee contemplated sending Ratchet a comm and warn him against his line of questioning, but it was too late to fix anything now. The Scout turned to face Miles, Candy, and Ratchet, reading the two human's faces carefully. Miles' face was carefully blank, and from the way he was looking at Ratchet Bumblebee could only assume that he had gotten Sam's text explaining who Ratchet was. The girl was giving the Medic's holoform an absolutely withering stare.

"What the fuck did you just ask me?" Candy literally seemed to growl, and Miles glanced at her warily.

"Candy, it's a bit hard to explain, but he's-" The blonde teen half moved to shield the holoform, arms up in a placating manner towards his sister. But then Ratchet cut him off.

"I'm sorry, it seems you're hard of hearing." Ratchet responded loudly, cutting Miles off. "I asked that if you're a male, why you are masquerading as a female. Are you ashamed of your looks?"

Miles seemed to think better of his positioning and quickly took several steps back behind his sister until he was safely on the grass, hands held up in the air as if to say he tried. Candy looked downright murderous, and it was all pointed right towards Ratchet. Bumblebee decided that he could apologize to the Medbot later for not being able to help, but Ratchet had well and truly fucked himself over on this one. The Scout supposed that this is what he got for never getting the Medbot to act with any humans outside of the soldiers, Mikaela, and Sam, who all were a lot more forgiving than most because they could just ignore anything stupid a Cybertronian did. And to make it worse Ratchet didn't know that he'd done something wrong, and was merely confused as to why he was getting such strong reactions. He probably honestly thought that Candy hadn't heard him, either.

Of course, the best way to let an Autobot know that he'd overstepped his bounds was by punching his holoform in the gut hard. And then when Ratchet reflexively bent over, kneeing him in the face just as hard. Both Miles and Sam winced as Ratchet went down, and Bumblebee sent a quick comm message to Optimus to let him know that the Medbot would probably never be using the coding to feel like a human ever again.

The Scout decided to ignore the urgent pings he was getting from Ratchet, however. He knew full well that it would do more harm than good to try and explain to Candy why Ratchet was being so insensitive, and it was better to let her just take her anger out on the Medic. He did take pity on Ratchet in a small way by sending him a message to just play dead, though. And it seemed to work, because once he stopped cowering the rage seemed to just melt off of Candy, and she appeared satisfied.

"Dear Milton," Candy continued to stare Ratchet down, but flashed her brother a sweet smile. "Get him out of our yard before I call Matt to kick his ass."

"Got it."

Candy adjusted her top and threw a final glare at Ratchet's prone form, before nodding in Sam and Bumblebee's direction and going inside. Miles waited until the door was closed before kneeling by Ratchet's still prone form, and Sam went over beside the teen to do the same. Both of them stared down at the Medic, before Miles poked him on the forehead.

"He playin' dead?"

"Think so." Sam replied, pinching Ratchet's cheek lightly. That finally seemed to get a reaction out of the holoform, or it may have been the fact that Bumblebee could no longer hear Candy growling inside of the house even with his advanced Cybertronian hearing.

"I realize that I did something wrong," Ratchet stated weakly, "But I am unsure as to what."

Miles looked somewhat amused, "Don't worry, little buddy. Sam'll take you home and explain it to you."

"I'm sorry, Miles, but that's not a good idea." Bumblebee said, "You see, Ratchet was sent by our leader to explain some things to you."

"Guess who doesn't give a shit?" Miles asked sarcastically as he stood up, "If he doesn't get out of here soon Candy really will get Matt over here to kick his ass. Her boyfriend has some major anger issues, and he'll bring his gun and his five cousins with _their _guns. God knows she's probably already crying to him, and if she breaks out the ice cream she's either going to kick my ass next or make me paint her nails and I'm not looking forward to either one."

Sam nodded sympathetically, for he had known Candy quite a while now himself. "It's best we leave, Bee, Ratch. Miles… just tell Candy that Ratch is a foreigner from a backwoods town in Russia, or something."

"Good idea, she might actually feel bad if she thinks he's just not been raised 'right'. I'll give you a warning if she wants to try to convert him to a supporter, though."

Ratchet looked as if he wanted to fight that, but then thought better of it. He was ignorant to why exactly he had offended Miles' brother-he made a mental note to correct his thought processes of Candy to her and sister-and he meant no offense against any human. They were just too complicated. It would be best to ignore orders for now and come back another day when Miles himself was a little more welcoming, and he hadn't just gotten his butt handed to him by a human. Ironhide would never let him live it down. He commed Optimus to tell his Prime that an explanation would be better saved for another day.

No one would blame the Medic for his holoform just simply disappearing, or the way the ambulance started up and got out of there surprisingly fast. Bumblebee would however share that little tidbit with Ironhide and the soldiers, as well as the video of Candy kicking his ass in slow mo. Bumblebee decided that it was probably a bad idea for anymech outside of himself to try and explain things to Miles. He at least wouldn't piss the teen's sister off.


End file.
